11 years ago divorce became inevitable in my life. I had no choice but to take my 2 and 4 year old and leave the marriage. I have often heard it said, "it's harder to leave than to stAy." This is absolutely true especially when my plan was to be a stay at home mom. Might I add I do have a college degree. It takes courage to leave because being alone with two little kids terrified me. I thought my life was falling apart. The stay at home mom dream should have flown out the door, but the dreamer I was at the time just knew God was going to send someone in on his white horse to swoop the three of us up
And save us all. I moved in with my Dad and dying mother and began to pick up the pieces of my broken dreams as I made new ones. That was 11 years ago. After all this time, I know without a doubt that my life is exactly how it should be at this given moment. Meanwhile, I must add that currently nothing in my life is going at all like I had planned or dreamed and the storm is swirling around me. Turns out thAt there is a huge shortage on men who ride white horses which isn't a bad thing because it forces me to save myself time and time again. Seeing as how I am the only one who can do it, it's not a bad thing. Over the past 11 years I have managed to come up with new dreams and found true love only to have those crushed as well. So today I have decided to stop planning and to stop expecting things to go according to my plan. I think I always thought someday this will happen. I'm not ever going to stop dreaming. I am a dreamer. That won't change, but there is a huge difference in a dream and an illusion. I think I have had a lot of illusions of how my life was going to end up. It's devastating to loose those dreams , but it's important to remember sometimes they are just illusions of how we think things should be. Today I choose to life day by day and let life happen according to his plan not Mine. The biggest mistake I've made is trying to force my will on my life and yes on others as well. There is a power far greater than little old me and I have no doubt I am selling myself short by trying to take things into my own hands that I should have given to him years ago. Trust me when I say that I get it. I know what it is like to love someone so much that you feel as if you can't breathe without them in your life. I also know today that love isn't enough and guess what you will keep breathing. Slowly but surely, you will piece your heart back together and it will be better and stronger than it's ever been. That love won't go away even if you try everything in your power to make it, but that love will fade into smaller and smaller pieces of your newly restored heart. They tell me the heart will love again. I actually believe them and I hope one day I can attest to it God willing. I know what it is like to loose everything you have and have to rebuild your whole world and guess whAt? That new world will be far better than the one you "thought"
Was all you ever wanted. Today I dare you to dream, but I suggest you don't make too many plans that you fail to recognize His plans for you like I have done. I finally realized Everytime I thought my life was falling apart, it was my plan falling apart. His plan beats mine day in and day out. If I have given you the idea that any of this is easy, let me reiterate that it isn't. There is nothing easy about Turning over my will and my life or the ones I love over to my God. It should be, but it's not becAuse I like to call myself a control enthusiast so it means I am relinquishing my control. Although the control itself is an illusion. It's never been in my hands anyway. All I have done is gotten in His way by trying to force my will and that just prolongs his plAn for me. Today I just pray that for the next 24 hours I stay out of his way. I'm not perfect so all I can do is try. The heart wants what the heart wants. Trust me I wish it didn't, but I do believe in a power so great it can and will move my mountains. Although I also believe that I can't just sit around and wait on that to happen. So with his guidance and the guidance of the angels he places in my life, I pick up my shovel and little by little, one day at a time, my God and I are going to move these mountains.