Courage to change

I once had a parent say to me," I am surprised your kids are the way they are with you being a single mother." She was complimenting them.  I once heard a mother say, I don't send my kid over there to spend the night  because she is a single mother. Well, from a single mothers perspective, I find that pretty whack. As someone who left and has done this on my own for almost ten years, I'm going to share a few things. Just in case no one has ever told you this, I know it to be true! It is harder to leave than to stay whatever situation you find yourself in. First of all, there is the financial part, and trust me child support isn't enough to give your children the life u want for them, and sometimes you go three years without it. When you leave, you just know it's on you. Second, it means no one else to bathe them, take them to school, handle the fight, run them to practices, throw the ball with them, or do projects and homework. Its all you. Of course there are grandparents and friends who help, but it's your responsibility. A wise person once told me one healthy parent is better than two unhealthy ones. Staying in a bad marriage that never gets better equals two unhealthy people and guess what? I would much rather my kids go spend the night with one healthy person over two unhealthy parents. Now here is one of the main reasons I believe I did the right thing. My children learn from me. Their environment makes them who they are. Ever heard the saying, you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl. Well it's the same thing here. I didn't want my children to grow up thinking an unhealthy relationship was normal. If their dad yells at their mom, if she tolerates his abuse, addiction, lies, cheating or alcoholism then guess what? That daughter is going to think it's acceptable behavior. As sad as it is, we learn what to accept from the environment we live in. When she chooses a boyfriend and you hate him, keep in mind that behavior is normal To her of this describes your marriage. 

I have had so many women over the years tell me they stay for the kids. No one stays for the kids, they stay out of fear, and I get it.its scary to do it solo.  We all do the best we can in our lives. And as for that son if he sees his dad abuse his mother, lie to her, cheat on her, talk down to her, or if he lives in the disease of alcoholism and addiction then he is very likely to follow those footsteps. It's inevitable. So let's say, these two unhealthy parents truly love each other and neither want to leave, what now? Well get help! You can't change another person but changing yourself, changes everything and everyone around you. For me, it was Alanon. A program for spouses, friends, or family members of alcoholics or addicts. And even if you divorced them, it still helps. For some it could be alcoholics anomoyous, an abuse support group, narcotics anomoyous, even marriage counseling, Etc! It's all about accepting there is a problem and finding a solution and making a change. So I challenge you, when u find a single parent in your group applaud them and know that what they did took courage. Acknowledge they are pulling all the weight. Commend them or even give their kid a ride one day or offer to help. You never know when your shoes could change. I believe What comes around goes around And I truly believe it takes a village when it comes ti the children who will one day be our future. 

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